The World Cup is nearly upon us. Here are some things the international community needs to know about soccer in America.
1. As unjust as you might find the designation, as culturally blasé as you find the word, in America, it's soccer. We don't call it football, and we certainly don't call it futbol. We also don't say snog, lift, lorry, bloody, bleeding, or bloke. We fought the Revolution for a reason.
2. Nations are not plural nouns. By saying "England are aggressive" or "Italy play the midfield back," you are as obnoxious and grating as the most grammatically torturous gangster rap. You're wrong. We're right.
3. Most of the "soccer fans" in America are misguided dolts who took a study-abroad vacation in college and now lean on their "club" affiliations as an icon of their newly minted status as a global citizen. They've taken bandwagoneering to a whole new level.
4. American kids play soccer because a) it's easier to understand than football or baseball, and b) it's cheaper than football, baseball, or hockey. This doesn't portend a massive cultural takeover for soccer. Lacrosse probably has a better chance.
Well now...I'm excited for the festivities in South Africa!
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