- Instate "Against the Wind" by Bob Seger as the new National Anthem.
- Annex Asia.
- Unilaterally withdraw the United States from the United Nations in outrage after a failed attempt to annex Asia.
- No child is permitted to graduate from the 8th grade without a strong knowledge of the supply and demand curves, compound interest, sentence composition, and pre-dictatorial American civics. These basic concepts are post-dictatorial voting requirements.
- Establish a dictator's club with Kim Jong Il, the Castro brothers, and Hugo Chavez; draft club bylaws that exclude the Ayatollahs.
- Command the Joint Chiefs of Staff to come up with 12 contingency scenarios for alien invasion based in the film "Independence Day" and the TV series "V." All of these must include William Shatner and/or Carrie Fisher.
- Completely defund the NEA. Give the grants instead to scientists tasked with creating a lightsaber.
- Force Notre Dame into a major football conference..
- Give 95% of all White House press passes to YouTube celebrities like the Numa Numa Guy.
- Required all matriculating college freshmen to watch "Animal House" as part of the core curriculum at all schools that take government funds.
- Immediately cease all foreign aid.
- Build and expand the missile shield program abandoned by Obama.
- Quintuple NASA funding, dedicate precisely none of it to Muslim outreach. Attempt to make the space needle functional for space travel.
- End Social Security by discontinuing the program's payouts to any contributors under the age of 30.
- Piss off the teachers unions. When they strike, privatize all schools.
- Wall off the entire southern border; deport any and all illegal aliens. I can't believe this didn't come up before #15.
- Repeal Obamacare.
- Star in a SportsCenter commercial
- Force ABC to air new Episodes of Better Off Ted and AMC to renew Rubicon (Come on, people, these shows are gems)
- Outlaw the trombone.
- Cede California to the Pacific Ocean.
- Get rid of the minimum wage and outlaw salary caps
- Establish a culture by which mustache fortitude determines social standing.
- Force commercials for erectile dysfunction to exclusively feature the executives of the pharmacy companies that produce them.
- sTeRIliZe pEoPLe wHo tYpe liKe tHiS.
- Energy policy: Oil, Coal, Nuclear.
- Name a naval flagship the USS Bitchslap.
- Craft a new federal relationship with the states in which the federal government willingly bails out any states in financial crisis. In return, the states being bailed out automatically revert to territory status and lose their right to elect representatives to the federal body for no shorter than ten years. Full re-admittance to the Union is permitted only once the state has demonstrably sorted out its fiscal troubles and built in Constitutional requirements that all state budgets are deficit-neutral.
- Brett Favre jailed for being Brett Favre.
- Force Apple users to pay a "douche tax".
- Mint a series of new $1,000 bills featuring Ronald Reagan.
- Fix that dumb-ass rule about "God" and "damn" being permissible on TV but "God damn" being prohibited. Also, allow people to say "fuck" on broadcast television.
- Hand out fines to journalists for comma splices.
- Hobble Tom Brady in the most humane way possible that still works.
- Normalize all historical baseball statistics to a 162 game season, including post-season performance.
- Pundits that use the term "slippery slope" have to slide down a slippery slope...into a crocodile pit.
- Deport anyone who describes themselves as "citizens of the world" to Haiti
- Force the producers of The Big Bang Theory to incorporate some interpretation of the Big Bang Theory as a plot element or thematic arc to the show.
- Force flip flop manufacturers to incorporate some heel strap, thereby negating the existence of flip flops. Most retarded shoe ever.
- Eliminate the social stigma around using the word retarded. It's so versatile. Saying it doesn't undercut the sympathy that I have that your kid has Down's Syndrome or Cerebral Palsy or some other tragically debilitating condition
More to Come
